Well, it has been some time since I have posted anything here. Daily life is just usually to busy. I have however recieved an email from a very talented friend of mine. He is a poet, and now he is making music. I am excited for his first video because it sounds really great. I am going to post it here, and hope everyone enjoys it.

I am FINALLY back online! My computer had a BAD virus, and well.. I tried to fix it, but I couldn't. Last week I took it to get fixed, actually it only took 2 days. Although, alot of my things are no longer on my computer because everything had to be reinstalled with the OS, which sucks alot. I guess I will have to start over and collect stuff again! Anyways, WHEW! At first it really wasn't that hard to be without a computer, but c'mon now over a month is really irritating,lol.

For now, it is time for bed and things so....Goodnight cyberspace!

Moi~>MINE!

I don't think I did to bad!!

Anyways, I am counting down.... ONE MORE WEEK and school starts!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! OMG I am so excited, Lol. I love my kids, but I need some mommy time!! My baby is going to kindergarten and I am not sure how I will handle that..she has grown SO fast. I am sure I will need support that first day, well actually week at the bus stop. She will go all day too, they don't mess with that half day stuff here. I am sure she will love it, she really liked headstart so...

I am off to make more PSP things...

  "I KNOW IT'S WONDERFUL FOR PEOPLE TO THANK UR CRAZY, THAT WAY YA DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING YOU DO HAHAH.."

I haven't posted for a long time, I know. Alot of things on my mind...
Guess what?? "When you tell someone basically you are crazy", well, because you are... and they try and use it against you when they are mad, they are NOT a true friend, NOT to me.  If I need time to take care of things in my life, then so be it! GET OVER IT and don't ask how I am, or how I have been. I don't appreciate being used and manipulated. If you are my friend, then act like it! GRRRR!!!!
If you aren't, then that is your loss? The only one I have to explain anything to is GOD........

P.S.

Bob thanks for the comment on the Wiccan post, but it is the way I feel and if you don't like it, don't read my blog! Guess what? I do believe in GOD, I do not need a BIBLE THUMPER posting obsurd links here. Read and be on your way, or at least say something intelligent.

Damn it is hot today!! Finally....

Last day of school was Tuesday, blah. This week has finally slowed down some, well kinda. Now I have to get things ready to go camping again...this stuff wears a person out.

There are usually arguments, disagreements, etc., but I like to go because of the atmosphere, the trees and surroundings. The fire doesn't rekindle anything, but itself. It does however make me think of another person that I love and feel present when I close my eyes..actually it is about the only place that makes me feel so close to them. The smell of the fire brings back memories, special memories. I will always love them with my heart and soul.

I went to the Doctor's the other day because I thought I had bronchitis, but  it is a sinus infection. They gave me antibiotics, which I did get the script filled for, but uhm well, I don't like to take things I never took before. I need to take them...I tell myself that, my mind won't listen. I lost 6 pounds too and wasn't even trying?!!! YAY, I think?! Maybe my Lexapro? I refuse to dwell on it...yeah right!

My Grandma hurt herself on Friday so I have been going there too daily to change her bandage. Her skin is so thin that she ripped a HUGE piece of it and had to go to the hospital, then a specialist on Monday. They thought they were going to have to do a skin graph on it, but that isn't the case. It looks so nasty and nobody else would change the dressing. Wimps! A few months ago was the first time in like 4 years I went to see her. She was sick and in the hospital. I have had grievances against her for believing something someone in my family who is an asshole told her about me that was a very big lie. That is what stopped me from visiting with her. I have came to terms with it all and put it behind me. She is the only Grandmother I have left. I was pretty close to her when I was younger, but not like my other grandmother. That is what made me realize I need to move forward and let bygones be bygones. You have one life, live it. Not everything is perfect. Anyways, a Nurse was supposed to start coming to do the dressing, which I am glad, but she did not come yesterday, not until Friday. It needs professional care, I have experience with it, but I would feel safer knowing that it is free from infection and things.
Oh, nothing keeps her down.. she is going to be 92 in October, feistiest woman you could ever meet. She still does yard work and everything. She told me that she refuses to stay down because that will be the end for her. To bad other elderly people don't feel that way.

Enough gabbing for now. I have to do laundry.










XOX u

It has been a long week, I am finally home. Just as we were getting home on Tuesday, we got news that Tracy had died. I had to pack all over again and make reservations, order flowers, etc. to get ready to go to Ohio for the funeral. It was an unnerving situation. I know, all funerals are, but her being only 42, was even more devastating. At least she is no longer suffering. She did fight it until the end, she said she could not fight anymore. She was one of those people who would be the first to greet you if you walked in the door. Always smiling and having a good time, so fun to be around. Last year in August at the reunion I could tell something was wrong, she just wasn't her. She did try to be, but she didn't feel well. A month or so later she found out about the tumors, that is when her fight began. She wanted to live so bad, it is just a sad situation all around.

We got there and back fine, but I am very tired, and getting ready for bed. On the other hand though the camping was fine, no drama, whew...

 

Tracy, I will never forget you or your beautiful soul!!

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

 

 

There has been alot of things on my mind. One in particular is about Tracy, she is my cousin through marriage and is only 42 years old. In the Fall she was diagnosed with brain tumors, but despite trying to have them removed and going through ALOT of chemo, she still had negative results. They moved her to Ohio near her mom and dad to a Hospice. She is failing daily and it just sucks. She knows she is dying, that is the worse part about it all. She was always so full of life and a cool person. 
I just hope she goes peacefully. Nobody wanted me to know about it because I was so anxious at the time, it made me a little mad.

Depending on what happens with her, we are going to Big Bear this weekend, well actually Thursday evening or Friday morning. I am not thrilled at the idea because I think I will be stuck by myself because some of his friends from the fire hall and their families are going. They have a campsite there too. Also they have a hell of a party planned, kegs and all. Yippee....NOT. I also don't want to take the girls over there around all of that. Last year one of his friends was so drunk they was in the fire pit and didn't even realize it!

The other one has been having Anxiety bad and I tried to talk to him and tell him he needs to accept that is what is wrong, but it is a hard thing to believe no matter how many times you have it, or people try and convince you. I wish him luck.

I have not heard from my Therapist yet, assuming she is mad because I cancelled Friday at the last minute. Humm...

It is time for me to do something or watch tv, tired tired!!

Once again it is Monday, the absolute worse day of the week!! I just hate it, LOL.

The weekend was okay, I was glad we did not go to Morgantown Saturday for dinner.
I just did not feel like going anywhere. I did ,however, have to go to dinner, but that was here, not far. The electric was out for like 6 hours and I could not cook, pity.
We have been having some major kiss arse winds and rainy cold weather, I am beginning to wonder if we will even have summer this year. I mean I hate heat, but having to wear a sweat shirt or jacket in May is ridiculous!

Oh well enough babbling. I am thinking that when I upgraded my RAM, I should have taken out the old RAM card? I was just unsure so I did not do it. The computer still is not running as fast as I think it should after an upgrade. Maybe I will take out the old card and see what happens, what is the worse I could do?

Michelle, who is my best friend and cousins wife had showed me some photos this morning of the Star Boys. WOW! They are like these guys who do stunts, etc. on motorcycles. The place she works and is a Manager had them there on Saturday. I wish I would have went! They are awesome. They have also taken on a female rider, from what I seen on the photos, she is awesome. I will have to look at their MySpace and check them out. I did not go the first time they were there at the shop a few years ago either. Next time I will go see them for sure.

Yesterday my mom took me into work because I did not go in on Friday, boy I despise that. I dunno why I just don't go on Friday and get it over with.  I have a new interview for the online job this week. As of now I really want it bad, but I want to make sure I can do the hours, etc. that it requests. Having kids at home does not make for a quiet background. Probably if I get it I won't want it, LOL.

Ther other day I went to a chatroom that myself and all of my online friends, well the ones I had, there are only really one left that means anything, but I could not log in and it made me so mad!! I emailed them and asked if they could fix the room or something. A few years ago an ass who used to go there did something to the room because nobody could stand him, including me. Those days are long gone, I know. Sometimes I am really to bored and reminisce, Does that make me a fruitcake?
I think so....

Isn't life a funny thing? You take the cards you are dealt and move on...

That is enough jibberish for now. Later I am sure that I will have something from my day to add here.

I cannot believe I found a video of my favorite song by ROBERT MIRABAL on YouTube!!!!
Maybe it shows I reallllllllly like him? He is so awesome!!

Thank God it is Thursday!! I am waiting for my RAM upgrade to arrive. It is only 1 gb , but that is all I need. I have a job offer working online (yes, it is legit), but I need 512 mb of RAM and only have 510. Hopefully all works out because I want to work from home so bad!! It will be alot easier on me having my daughters and things. So, today or tomorrow it will be here!!

I am not going camping this weekend because it is going to be in the low 60's and rainy.
That is not a good mixture when you have 2 kids who like to jump in mud puddles and play in mud. Last weekend was the same weather and we went, but ugh, found out it was a total mess!!

Last night the Building Manager in the building I work in approached me and said that the building owner wanted to know if I would be interested in working Independently for him instead of the company I am contracted through. I just don't know if I can handle the 1099 part of it. I am having a meeting with him in 2 weeks when he flies in from Cali., yes, it is beyond me as to why someone would buy a building in Pa. and live on the West Coast I am sure property is cheaper in Pa., but flying back and fourth every month has to be expensive.. Oh well, not my money!!


In June it will make 3 years that my Grandmother has been gone, and I still miss her terribly. That is one of the reasons I am in Therapy. I just cannot let go. Grief is a terrible thing, especially when you can't get through the process. Plus numerous things I am dealing with in my everyday life are hard to deal with. Just to make it through the day and be okay is a challenge, but to no avail I can do it. One part of Therapy is about journaling so, I am guessing this would be a good place to do that! Sometimes though they will not be pleasant posts I am sure.....

Blinkies, graphics, and those things are becoming one of my addictions, LOL. I look for them all of the time!

Again it has been a long time since my last post. I could not remember my password, so I got a little help from Bravenet and poof.

Anyways, life has dealt me many different cards in the pas couple of years, some of which I could have done without. One good note I recall is my second daughters adoption which was on February 29, 2008!! THANK GOD it is over, she is now legally MINE!

On the bad side of things, in June of 2007 I started having major anxiety again, this time accompanied by OCD and derealisation & depersonalisation. It was something I hope to keep a grip on and never go through so severely again. I did make alot of friends in the anxiety support communities, but after taking my Therapists advice, I stayed offline for a long time. Everything, disease, you name it, if I saw it online, I was determined that I had it. Simply put, suffering and torture was the extent of it. I am now still on the my journey of healing and getting myself better. Holding things inside all of the time is one thing that lead me to this point. I do feel for everyone who suffers with these disorders, and I don't want to make light at all of any of them.

A few weeks ago, myself and my family went to the Woodland Zoo in Farmington, Pa., where the White Buffalo calf was born on November 12th, 2006. Although the zoo is only 20 minutes from my house, I never took the time to go see him. I wanted to very badly, and finally had the chance. It was so awesome to be in his presence. He was not active when we were there, but it was kind of early in the morning.
During a naming ceremony his name was chosen, Kenahkihinén (Kĕ-Nah‛-Ki-Nĕn), which means "Watch Over Us" in Lenape tongue. During the naming ceremony not only were members of the Lenape Nation on hand, but the Cherokee, Lakota, Apache, Iroquois and Shawnee tribes were represented as well. (Last 2 sentences were taken from the Woodland Zoo website and credit is all their property). 
I have a few photos of him that were taken by me, with my camera, and even though I am posting them here, they are and will always be the property of Woodland Zoo and not my own.  DO NOT STEAL THEM!!-

It has again been a long time since I wrote anything here....

Since  Socom 3  was released, I have been unseperable!! It is more addictive than a drug. Anyhow, I am a member of the clan PMS Elites for PS2 division, which is cool cause it is all female gamers and we have alot of them, let me tell you, some of them are awesome at it. It is official that females are coming a long way in the gaming world, there are some who don't like it, but to bad fer them!!  I am sure that part will change too even if it takes like 5- 10  more years. Would be nice....

The weather here is really warm & sunny............  no rain, at least for a day or two .. I have to cut this short cause I have things to do... So, next time!

Wolf Moon - Type O Negative

The 28th day
She'll be bleeding again
And in lupine ways
We'll alleviate the pain

Unholy water
Sanguine addiction
Those silver bullets
A last blood benediction

It is her moon time
When there's iron in the air
A rusted essence
Woman may I know you there

Hey wolf moon
Come cast your spell on me
Hey wolf moon
Come cast your spell on me

Don't spill a drop dear
Let me kiss the curse away
Yourself in my mouth
Will you leave me with your taste?

Beware
The woods at night
Beware
The lunar night

So in this grey haze
We'll be meating again
And on that great day
I will tease you all the same